Unabated to the Quarterback

Michael Jordan, you are the greatest basketball player we have ever seen. However, since your retirement, all of your decisions have been questionable. This year you constructed the worst basketball team in the history of basketball while simultaneously dressing like a color-blind 67 year old LL Cool J. So I’m here to help.

This year your Charlotte Bobcats went 7-59, comprising a .106 win percentage, which is the lowest in NBA history. The team lost the last 23 games in a row, just to make sure they locked up the record.

Your roster included not only players who were past their prime, but players who never reached their prime. Your only shortcoming was failing to bring in the illustrious Kwame Brown to hold down the paint. Speaking of Kwame, remember when you drafted him Number 1 overall?

I guess I expected too much after you created that great team on Space Jam.

You better pray and make many sacrifices to the basketball gods in order to get the number 1 pick. Only The Unibrow can save your franchise.

From there, you can stop drafting guys with the name Kemba and Bismack because they have cool names. You can also stop giving guys who averages 8.9 points per game 40 million dollar contracts. 

After all this, I’m still not sure what is worse: your general managing skills, or the ability to dress yourself.

I came across this the other day, and I became frightened.

Do you dress in the dark? Does someone else dress you? Did you lose some sort of bet? Who is responsible for this!?

You’re the creator of the Jordan brand, the most high fashion basketball clothing company in the world. How is it possible that you dress this horrendously?

I’m going to give you a few tips, and I hope you take these to heart:

• Wear suits that are all one color and that don’t have patterns, please.
• Do not wear jeans with holes in them, you are not a Hollister model.
• Things with glitter, and things that are shiny, are not for you.

Well, I hope this was helpful to you. I only want to see you succeed Mike, you’re the greatest of all-time. Now you just need to act like it, before we forget Michael Jordan the player, and remember Michael Jordan the awful NBA executive. 

butitsonsale:

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Everyone seems to be confused about Metta World Peace’s actions during the Lakers-Thunder game. We all know World Peace has a screw or two loose, and that he is not always in control. We will never truly know what he was thinking during that vicious elbow he gave James Harden, but here is a good guess. 

Whoa, Kobe just passed me the ball, and now I have a 1 on 3 fastbreak; I have to take advantage of this.  I can’t mess this up like I have before, I think Justin Beiber is here and I want to impress him.

The basket seems pretty far away, not sure I can keep my dribble for that long.

Alright, almost there, but Kevin Durant is in my way, and I think Ibaka is pretty close behind me, but my name is World Peace so I like my chances.

 Did I just split two defenders? I might be able to get a layup, wait, I’m still rising. I think I can dunk this; I just dunked on Kevin Durant and Serge Ibaka! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

 I hope Justin saw that.

 Now for my ferocious fist pump for all of the Staples Center to see. I am Metta World Peace, hear me roar.

Who is this getting in the way of my celebration? I’ll just give him a little nudge with my elbow.

Um, why is Serge Ibaka trying to fight me? I know I dunked on you, but get over it man; and they say that I’m the violent one, sheesh.

 Wait, why am I being kicked out of this game for excessive celebration, this isn’t the NFL. Of course I didn’t mean to hit him, I changed my name to World Peace for a reason.

This is totally unfair. I’ll just leave before someone throws a beer on me and I go Ron Artest on somebody. Maybe I can catch dinner with Justin if I’m lucky. 

Blake Griffin does not care if you’re an NBA All-Star, the old guy playing pick-up, or a kid in a wheelchair; he will dunk on you.

In general, most NBA players have a big ego. This ego is what convinces NBA players to continue challenging Blake Griffin at the rim.

Please stop.

Timofey Mosgov, Kendrick Perkins, and now Pau Gasol, will all live in NBA YouTube clip eternity because of what Blake Griffin has done to them.

No one will remember that last night Pau Gasol had 12 points, and that the Lakers actually did win the game. No, the image in everyone’s minds will be the frail Spaniard getting thrown to the ground like a 7-foot rag doll by a Blake Griffin dunk, twice.

Just ask Timofey Mosgov.

Griffin victimized him last year, leading towards a new term, “mosgoved,” Which refers to a player getting posterized to the

  tenth degree.

So go ahead NBA big men, continue to challenge Blake Griffin, and we will continue to watch you on YouTube.

 Follow:@staycalmaustin

So a fellow named Peyton Manning became a free agent in the offseason.  All but a handful of NFL teams were in need of his services. However, after some thought, Manning narrowed down his list to the Titans, Dolphins, Niners, and Broncos.

Titans’ owner Bud Adams offered Manning a 100 million dollar contract, 10 percent of the franchise, and some undisclosed benefits in his after-life.  However, Peyton said no, because he found them a bit too clingy.

The Dolphins made a run at Manning, but did not put forth enough effort, leaving them much like they were with the rest of the 2012 free agents, in the “friend zone.”

 Then there is the Denver Broncos, they were lucky enough to win the Manning sweepstakes. The Broncos chased Manning because they wanted a quarterback who could, you know, actually throw.

Speaking of quarterbacks who can’t throw, Timothy Richard Tebow was traded from the Broncos to the New York Jets to be paired up with Mark Sanchez. The Jets decided that they would let the Giants get good grades and go to a good college, while they will focus on being cool.

For the first time in his career, Alex Smith felt pretty. He was being pursued by both the Dolphins and the Niners. Somehow Niners Head Coach Jim Harbaugh convinced Alex to come back to him, after he chased after a prettier QB and failed and failed. So Alex told the Dolphins they would only be friends.

So what we learned this off-season is the Broncos finally got a Quarterback, the Jets really want to be popular, and the Dolphins are in some bar somewhere drinking away their sorrows. 

Follow:@staycalmaustin